The C-word

Cancer- ugh. How I hate you and for what you have done to my life, family and world.

The day before I got the news I was out of the province. I had gone 1400 kms to visit my family, had a great time. It was a super amazing trip. I got home super late in the morning on the Monday. I woke up to a call from my older sister, she was crying. This wasn't always super surprising but she knew I wasn't getting home till super late (or early depending on how you looked at it). She told me my momma's doctor had been trying to get a hold of me, and that she had tests done while I was away and she needed family to go with her to the appointment the next morning. So I did what every good daughter would do, zipped my suitcase back up and hit the road. The hour drive down was pretty uneasy. Why would they need family to go with her? What's going on?

My mom's never had good health, ever since I was little, but I thought the bad times had passed, I thought she was starting to feel better. I knew she had the flu before I left, but I thought she was feeling better... The time couldn't go fast enough to get us there. When I got to the house, I took a deep breath and walked in. It was like a different person sitting on the sofa. Confusion set in, I had seen her only a week before my trip, how could a person look so different in only a few days? What was really going on?

The next morning we went to the doctor.
We (mom, step dad & I) got put right into a room. This never happens, like ever. With in a few minutes he was standing in the door looking at the three of us. He had a look I had only seen once before, the day he told me I had a small brain tumor that had caused me to get cervical cancer. My heart sank. Sometime I think your gut just knows something is wrong, this was one of those times.

He sat down and said that the results of an ultra sound she had done came back, and the results showed she had a secondary cancer in her liver. With those words I lost my breath. The room started to spin, and I looked at my momma. She put her head down and then with out warning she cried out, it was soul crushing. This had to be a mistake right?!

Two days later she had a CT scan, by Friday the results were back, results- Bowel, Liver and Lung cancer. Terminal.

At 28 the word terminal is not even in your vocabulary. How can my mom, My mom, have terminal cancer, she's only 51 this is a mistake right? I just got engaged 40 days ago, how can this be happening? Well I don't have those answers, nor did the doctor. So now what?

I wondered if anything I would say would ever put into words how I was feeling, did I even know how I was feeling? What do do? Who to tell? Oh Jesus, my grandparents... Who would tell them? Who would tell my sisters? Who would tell the grandchildren? How could I do this? Could I do this? What's going to happen? Am I strong enough to do this?

I guess when you have to do something you do it, because I did it. One word at a time, one person at a time, one step at a time I did it. I'm maybe one of the most emotional people I've ever known and yet I couldn't cry, I could talk with out crying, I could do these things I thought were impossible. I'm still not sure how, but I did. Maybe because I had to?

The weeks after that I stayed with my momma. I went to tests, doctors and just sat with her, all day and all night. I came home only for the weekends when my gram would go up and stay with her. I slept most of the time I was home, napping when I was supposed to be awake, awake when I should have been sleeping, sleeping for 12-18 hours at a time once I did fall asleep. Then Sunday night I would pack my laundry hamper back up and go back to be with her. Not because I had to but because I wanted to.

How can one word change your life forever?
I hope you never find out...
I say F-You Cancer...

Ugh